Dirty Laundry - the life of Rob Pattinson's Beanie

benny's twitfic story hour

2009-03-20T15:45:00.002Z

This is a special post as a "hosting" spot for a twit-fic story written by benny. I did not write this.

(sorry for the crazy formatting. People wanted it done quickly & deal with the mess later. Much like a shag with benny would be, I would guess. Cheers!)

CHAPTER 1

i'll talk to myself again.

better yet, ill do a bum monologue.

hello bum. how is your smooth apple self today?

how is the twin cheek? smooth? don't tell but i think you have smoother skin.

and your curve is more set.

although other cheek is more polite.

it moves to the side when wind of fart is coming. makes way, you know.

sorry bum cheek 1. attention whore issues.

bum cheek 2, when fake patty bit you, did you acquire rabies? because you were slightly edgy when i put on my trousers.

and how's your backdoor neighbor? still big and strong?

what? he played hide and seek?!

how?!

oh he hid into a hole and then?.. uhuh... ic...peaked in and out of it!?... *gasp*

and there was noise?! what noise?

flapping sobs and skin clapping noises?! *uhhhwhuuat?*

how did his twins handle it?!

they were bouncing in glee? *rofl*

and then what happened?!

uhuh..

ic..

yes..

oos and aas..?

"more.. more.." ?

gasp!

a volcano erupted?!!!

white lava of life?!? *lmao*

the end? awe man!

was this thing that this hole.. err.. was connected to.. was it hot?!

no?!

*big gasp!*

...

err.. Bert.. err.. that white stain beneath the seams of your beanie?.. yes.. is not milkshake after all.

bum cheeks say there were no shoe laces involved. just soft spongy wool. absorbed white lava of life immediately.

i think beanbean is pregnant.

starting chapter 2.

Hi big ben!

How are you today?

Lonely?

Yeah me too. I have no hole to shag. i mean beanie. I dont have a beanie to shag. he's on fake robs head. thats not going to look good.

you fancy zac efron? GASP! big ben, that is a wrong choice of man!

big ben, why does hunker call you george bush?

MY BUSH IS NOT NAMED GEORGE!

well you should tell him that. i like calling my bush OBAMA.

Yes. I also prefer calling it Hillary

No? why not?

So what if Bill shagged Monica?

Oh right! the crabs.

So if Bill shagged crab queen and he also shagged hillary, and i'll call my bush hillary.....that means....

..hmm....

my bush is named sebastian. of little mermaid! perfect!

how about flounder?

too gay, agree.

big ben, i think i just found hunker's bush name!

faketom: meet FLOUNDER. your bush.

i agree. it fits him.

yes yes. flounder (the bush) is fat.

but flounder has a little tail (dick)

hunker also has a little tail (dick)

and likes mermaids.

or mermen...

why do you think he likes old greg so much big ben. duh?

Flounder's best friend is called...hmm??

(pay attention, big ben is my dick and we're talking here, shush)

i think big ben my man, we should try to figure out greasy's bush name.

do you think he's like.. err..

big or small? medium? droopy?

droopy!

i think it's droopy. droopy would be perfect.

why droopy? hmm...

because... it droops a lot? duh.

chapter 3.

Hello bigben (my dick)! hello sebastian (my bush)!

Still bushy, i see. like fakeRobs hair... I know... He copied his hairdo from your style and design.

What's that bigben?.... oh you miss beanie?... well. i think "it" is pregnant. so, no banging "it" for 9 months.

But i think fabrics multiply rather quickly, so I'm thinking you may not miss "it" that long enough.

Huh? Speak louder, sebastian.... uhuh... bigben wants to rock the boat? *gasp!*

but flounder (faketom's bush) and his little tail (faketom's dick) are already rocking the boat as we tweet... i hope it sinks soon.

Yeah yeah bigben. I know your shaft is getting restless. Such a massive and carnal libido you have *wink*

Hmm.. let me see.. will you enjoy Nike Shoes, instead? "It" has pretty sexy shoelaces. ehe. in black!

Plus, bigben my man, i mean dick... I believe she always says YES. Remember what my math teacher said in highschool?

Yes. That check marks also means YES. YES. AND YES.

Let me see if Nike Shoes still has checks. Maybe "it" signed new contract with Adidas... Shoes are very dirty things. Lucky dog you!

i'll out on some music for you bigben. KOL's "USE SOMEBODY"... perfect.

Yes sebastian, feel free to substitute the lyrics from "USE SOMEBODY" to "USE SOME NI-KEE" whatever makes you bushier.

And yes, you are combed well already, like Dali's mustache.

.......A FEW HOURS LATER..........

wait make that 24hours to be exact. ehe.. yes my honeys.. bigben is an all-nighter. *slow mo' wink*

24 great hours later.. in the shower..

stop whining bigben... cold water will only make you wrinkle for a little bit. i ddnt even scrub you hard for your convenience.

yes cold water shrinks you too, but you will grow back. you do grow quickly like Renesmee. seconds speed.. hi 5!

Plus.. you also harden as quickly and as solid as Edward... oh... wait... mm...

No, not Edward.. must be honest. i think Jacob is leaner.. AND BIG-GER.

Jacob and Renesmee, i believe (as Bert said) WILL shag each other i think, when the dawn breaks in vampire world.

who is Renesmee, you ask? I think she or it. is the demon child. a product from the movie Bert's perverted loins.

i agree Sebastian. lol! the holy pinkish trinity he has in between his legs always result to behemoth disasters.. i mean..

look how Patty looks like.. i think her mum is stuffed toy.. yes the panda... i pity the mutt.

Don't get mas Sebastian.. greasy was only acting. as he is good at it. pfffff (not)

but of course! Bert does not love another breed of bushes."weed queen" does not make her a shrub. twitter fakers js make her look like 1.

you will always be king of bushes...

(sebastian tends to be very sensitive with our friend cake because she gave him 2 in one shampoo: conditions and disinfects) fancy shit.

not that sebastian needs it though. his luster is always top grade.

oh wait... i did just shag a shoe.. fake rob's shoe.. and i did not scrub enough when i showered.

*mutha!* i take my tweet back! if beanie carries an entire plague of grossness, imagine his shoes!

jesus nemo and mickey! i DO NOT (i repeat) DO NOT want to have ATHLETE'S DICK. euw...

chapter 4.

chapter quatro (4, stupid) is just me and my briefs. dancing to pussycat dolls. loosen up my buttons benneh! ohyeh.

*bows!*

Bert's best advice to me: Don't be an asshat

2009-03-19T15:35:00.000Z

I started to write a blog post about what changes have happened in our little closet since I got on Twitter and a wikipedia entry mentioned me somewhere. But as I read what I wrote, I realized I sounded like a true asshat. So forget that rubbish. I'm not Joaquin Phoenix, ferchrissakes. I'm just a hat.

The update on Vodka Shirt: He's fine. Was a little pissed about soaking overnight, but he got over it. God, so many people were freaking on me, thinking I killed him! I did not kill him. I saved his life. He's my best mate and I am not sure I could exist without him. Truly.

Last night we kept it mellow by drinking a half gallon of rhum with some Bendryl shots and played the guitar. Bert and I do a smashing rendition of "Space Oddity". Vodka Shirt will shatter your heart when he glubbers his way thru "Someone Saved My Life Tonight". Nike Shoes are so foul... they sing nothing but Tom Jones songs in an attempt to get us to throw Underwear and Boxer Shorts at them all the time. Disgusting.

And now the real fun. More drink recipes inspired by Bert!

The Casting Couch

3 oz whiskey

3 oz tequila

1/2 Valium...no wait! 1/4 Valium

Stupid Shiny Volvo Owner

20 oz angry grizzly bear blood (fresh)

30 oz mountain lion blood (fresh)

1 fragile human's virtue

The TomStu (for Uncle Tom)

4 oz vodka

1 oz triple sec

1/2 dissolved Mr Clean Magic Eraser

a dash of NyQuil

And Vodka Shirt came up with this one. Enjoy....and RIP:

The Vodka Shirt

8 oz vodka

10 oz vodka

16 oz vodka

911 on your speed dial

Cheers!

Can Beanies die? I wish I could today...

2009-03-18T13:30:00.000Z

Aye. Yesterday was St Pattz Day. The other rags in suitcase and I had a smashing time. We started drinking early... like last weekend, I think.

We thought about arranging a clothing parade to surprise Bert. He was acting quite down yesterday and being his clothing we thought it our duty to perk him up. The parade was a nightmare though. Being the Beanie here, that sort of makes me the King of the Clothes, I guess. Or maybe it's just because I'm the least mental of the lot. I was trying to marshall all the rags into a queue and rehearse the parade circuit. I swear to god tho, damn Tube Sock and Black Boots wouldn't stop fighting for one second to listen to me. And Vodka Shirt, being mental the way he is, hid under the bed. Again.

So I gave up on the parade idea, and we just made our special drinks and sang Irish rebel songs. (see yesterday's blog post for a couple of our one-of-a-kind drink recipes) Things got a little blurry for me after a while. I think we mixed up the horse tranquilizers with the roofies.

I eventually passed out, which is quite a feat for a hat that doesn't sleep. But before I shitpissed on the floor, I managed to get Vodka Shirt soaking in some baking soda. I have no idea if that will revive me best mate or not, it's just the best I could do at the time. Poison Control was of no help with a cotton knit horse-tranquilizer overdose. Wankers.

Book Deal

2009-03-17T17:47:00.001Z

I'm working on a book deal. No, I won't spill dirt on Bert or what happens when he's just hanging out with us, the clothes. I'm way too loyal for that kind of behaviour.

I'm not even sure what the book will be about.

So far I have my pen-name picked out - Weanie Cattinson. And I have one chapter titled - "What fuckery did I get myself into that I'm groveling to Paris Hilton??"

I think it will be a smash hit. As an added bonus I will include drink recipes inspired by Bert at the back of the book. Here's a sneak preview:

Silky Folds
5 oz. whiskey
1 dash of lighter fluid
A pinch of cinnamon

The Panty Dropper
4 oz whiskey
4 oz rhum
4 oz vodka
1 roofie tablet

Cheers!

Hoodie and the maid

2009-03-15T20:24:00.000Z

Hoodie has been missing for a while. This is happening more often lately. And then when he does come swaggering back into the room, he's got a pretty self-satisfied smile on his face. And then the maid comes stumbling in with some pretty wild-looking hair.

Look, we've all got our issues here in this bedroom and in the laundry hamper. Lord knows I'm not perfect and have my brand of dirty laundry out there. But they're just so SECRETIVE about it. When will the peons of celebrities learn that the more tight-lipped you are about a relationship or a hookup the more curious that makes other celebrity peons?

So come on Maid and Hoodie. Spill the beans. Fess up. Life will be easier if you just come out with it.

I am allegedly missing

2009-03-15T17:06:00.001Z

Thanks to the management prowress of Stephanie, I made sure to include ALLEGEDLY to the claim that I am missing.

Bert says he left me in Canada or on a plane. What a wanker. The maid put me in the pocket of his laptop bag. I've been hanging out in there.

Someone went out and bought TWO beanies to replace me tho. God. Like I need more ass-hats (ha) to deal with. Blue Beanie gives me enough trouble. Now I've got Red Beanie and Vampire Hat to deal with also. Vampire Hat has been pretty quiet so far. I think it's freaked. Or hibernating. Not sure what his problem is. But Red Beanie... creepy. May have to rename him Satan Hat. He just sits and stares at me...silent. It's really unnerving.

Well, between Mummy Clare, Patty the dog, the maid and me... we'll get this situation sorted out.